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Sunny seaside resorts are oft filled with beautiful
bouncing females with lovely long legs, firm br . .
. (shut up and get on with the review -- ED)
who lounge on the sands. Everyone notices them. What
they don't notice are the old crones who cripple about
the place with the aid of Zimma frames, walking sticks
or, it they're lucky, their own two corny feet. Mermaid
Madness is a tale of woe about one of those old
crones.
Myrtle
is 112 years old and fed up. OK, so she wouldn't admit
that she was pretty but in her long, long years she
had never, not ever had a man. That's why she was fed
up. Anyway, one afternoon she was sitting on the prom,
sucking seductively on a long stick of pink rock, when
she glimpsed the man of her dreams, a certain Gormless
Gordon, the Deep Sea Diver, and her heart began to pound.
He was dressed in a wetsuit, and she being a rubber
fetishist had her lust heightened to an unknown degree.
'Come to me oh babe of my dreams' she wailed and instantly
gave chase.
Now,
Gordon was a man of little brain with an IQ about that
of a member of the National Front (ie less than his
shoe size) but one glance of this elephantine mass of
warty flesh wobbling towards him along the prom caused
him to panic and he took to his heels and flapped wetly
off at speed. The sea was the nearest place to hide
so in he went -- sploosh -- right to the bottom (not
before turning his oxygen tank on) and sat there quivering.
Fatty
hag watched him do this and a gummy grin spread itself
over her road accident like fizzog. Little did Gordon
know that the vile and ugly femme fatale was, in fact
a mermaid. So there was Gordon, sitting on the sea bed,
waiting for the crone to toddle off when there was a
sudden mass of air bubbles above him. It was ugly fatty,
her oak-like lallies transformed to a rotting kipper-like
fish tail. The chase began afresh and Gordon dived deeper
to the ocean's inhospitable depths. Suddenly he spied
the hulk of a wrecked ship and swam to a small cave
underneath it. Fatty, being of obese proportions, couldn't
reach the fellow and cursed to herself. 'I know,' she
said in her underwater burbly language, 'I'll find a
way of getting to the man of my dreams,' and she immediately
set about scouring the sea bottom to find the means
to achieve said task.
Mermaid
Madness puts you in control of the old sea hag and
it's you who has to help her in her quest to reach her
rubber-clad heart throb. The playing area is made up
of many screens which flick as Myrtle moves from one
to the other. The sea bed isn't just a sandy bottomed
affair but has caves and all sorts for Myrtle to explore.
There are also lots of different objects littered about
the place which can be picked up one at a time by the
world's most vile mermaid and be used to help her complete
her quest. Picking an object up is done by pressing
the fire button and it's considered 'used' if dropped
in the right place.
Throughout
the quest Gordon's air is being used up, his air dial
is shown on screen, and if Myrtle doesn't free the hapless
lad quick enough and it reaches zero then he dies of
oxygen starvation, which he considers to be a better
fate than being clasped to Myrtle's boily bosom. Also
the energy which fires Myrtle's own disgusting personage
is in mortal danger. The sea is filled with various
fish and other underwater animals and if the foul femme
touches one some of her energy is lost. Unluckily this
energy can be replaced by picking up one of the many
bottles of stout littered about the place. If Myrtle
manages to free Gormless then true love can, and we're
sure that the female tatty will make it, prevail . .
.
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