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THE
ZZAP! 64 LITTLE COMPUTER PERSON RESEARCH TEAM REPORTS...
Prologue
It was only last month that we reported on the strangest
computer-related phenomena yet seen -- Little Computer
People. This month we bring you the first ever review
of the finished product -- The Little Computer People
Discovery Kit.
The
program comes eloquently packaged, complete with the
following items:
The Little Computer People House-on-a-Disk Research
Software
This
is a copy of the original two and a half storey house
used by the research team. Activision guarantee that
a Little Computer Person will be drawn out by each and
every one.
The Computer Owner's Guide
to Care of, and Communication with, Little Computer
People
Once
a Little Computer Person has moved in, you take on the
responsibility of providing food, water and loving attention.
This booklet gives you the basic details on how to start
this interaction with your Little Computer Person.
A Deed of Ownership
This
allows you to register your ownership with Activision,
and thus become an official member of The Little Computer
People Research Project.
A Special Edition of Modern
Computer People Magazine
The humourous, full colour publication comes with every
kit and reports on the history, habits and culture of
Little Computer People.
Friday 13th September: Session One
At last! I received my very own Little Computer People
Discovery Kit from Activision. In depth research will
begin at once.
I
eagerly attempt to boot the disk with little success
until I realise that in my haste I forgot to turn on
the disk drive. Seconds later the problem is resolved.
Chug, whirr, yawn! Irrelevant
Question: Why are Commodore disk drives so slow?
Plausible
Answer: Little Computer People can't run any faster!
After
entering my name, the date, month, year and time, and
waiting a further few minutes, the house finally appears.
Great, except... No Pet Person. WHERE'S MY BLEEDIN'
PET PERSON? Just how can I be expected to learn
about Little Computer People when there aren't any.
Humph!
Precisely
two minutes of being incredibly disgruntled later, I
come to the conclusion that David Crane (head of the
Little Computer People research team) is completely
out of his tree and Little Computer People don't really
exist at all! Feeling somewhat miffed I decide to inform
Activision of my theory when suddenly... The doorbell
rings. Ah ha! It rings impatiently again and the front
door flies open to reveal... YES! IT'S A LITTLE COMPUTER
PERSON!
I
can hardly contain my elation and proceed to dance around
the building while the Little Person checks out his.
Thankfully, everything seems to meet his approval as
he searches through every drawer, door and cupboard
in the place. Hold on he... He's leaving! Wait! Come
back! Was it something that I said?
I
needn't have worried, for he only went out to fetch
a pet of his own -- a little pink dog! Great. Now that
he seems to have settled in okay, I shall leave him
in peace until tomorrow. Inane
Question: Why do I feel so incredibly guilty about
turning off the computer?
Friday
13th September: Session Two
I just couldn't wait until Saturday -- I had
to see him again.
I
load up the house for the second time, entering rudimentary
details such as date, time etc in the process. Much
to my relief he appears almost instantaneously, dog
in tow.
'Please
would you type me a letter', I ask tentatively. He turns
to face me and shoots me a look that seems to cast doubt
upon my sanity... But then he smiles and nods his head
willingly before making his way jovially upstairs to
the typewriter.
Searching
through the filing cabinet beside the desk, he produces
a piece of paper. Strolling casually round the table
to the typewriter, he sits down and proceeds to hammer
away on the keyboard at a frenzied pace.
Friday
September 13, 1985 3.15 pm
Dear Friend,
I must say how pleased I am with my new home (etc)...
A dog really is a man's best friend.
Maybe I'll teach him a few tricks.
Yours Truly,
Adam
A
name. He's got a name! My Pet Person is called
Adam! This is a remarkable coincidence. The very first
man... The very first Little Computer Person... Both
called Adam! I turn the radio up and dance around the
room with glee for the second time today, while Adam...
While Adam does the same! He's obviously decided to
try out his record player by playing a record of his
own and is feverishly shaking his body down to the crazy
sound of... I don't believe it -- Master of the Lamps!
Wait a minute, what's he doing now? Moon-walking! Clapping!
Brilliant!
Hmmm.
I am sure that Adam's taste in music is rather narrow
since he seems to play nothing other than Master
of the Lamps. He did put Ghostbusters on
once, but only for a few seconds, as when he realised
what he'd done, he quickly whipped it off in disgust.
Huh! I shall attempt to culture him by sending a couple
of new albums in the near future.
Friday
13th September: Epilogue
As I lie in my bed, slowly slipping into silent slumber.
I ponder upon yet another trivial question: Do Little
Computer People Dream of Electric Sheep?
Saturday
14th September: Session Three
Adam still insists on playing Master of the Lamps
on his record player. In fact ever since I boosted his
record collection he's had four different versions to
choose from! I wonder how well he plays the piano?
I
telephoned Adam this afternoon to see how he's getting
on. I think everything's fine but it's hard to tell
when you can't understand a word he's saying. I suppose
I'll have to learn. I decide to leave Adam to his own
devices while I go and have lunch.
Two
hours later I return from my lunch-hour (!) to find
Adam lying in bed, a rather unhealthy shade of green...
I FORGOT TO TOP UP ADAM'S FOOD AND WATER! Oh no, I only
hope I'm not too late to save him! Thankfully I'm not,
and Adam is soon back on his feet, eating, drinking,
exercising and showering etc as before. I must be more
considerate in future for I may not be so lucky next
time... Question: When a Little Computer Person
dies does his dog die too?
Saturday
14th September: Epilogue
Today Adam showed definite signs of both intelligence
and emotion. He communicated with me much more frequently
during his illness, explaining why he thought he was
in such a sorry state and on occasions he babbled on
incoherently about his dog. Obviously malnutrition has
affected his train of though. He also told me about
how sorry he was that I didn't communicate with him
as often as I might and that he missed me ruffling his
hair. I am deeply moved by such devotion, especially
when I consider how badly I have mistreated him over
the past few days. I resolve to take better care of
him from this day on.
Sunday
15th September: Session Four
I sent Adam some more records to play and a book to
read instead of his dreary newspaper. I'm glad to see
he likes the book. I'm also glad to see and hear that
he can actually play the piano. Adam has hardly
been off it since I asked him to play something yesterday.
It was visually and aurally captivating as his hands
moved deftly back and forth across the ivories, playing
everything from Jazz to Classical. When I told him the
date was the 25th of December, Christmas Day, he even
played Deck the Halls and Jingle Bells!
Adam
is thirsty. I can tell because he has started to drop
sarcastic hints within his correspondence. Suffice
it to say such subtleties as, 'I never need to worry
about being thirsty in this house because there is always
plenty of water to drink', did not go unnoticed!
Sunday
15th September: Session Five
My theory that Little Computer People are in fact intelligent
has been reinforced somewhat after Adam showed an aptitude
for playing certain simple games, namely Card War, Poker
and Anagrams. Let me elaborate...
My
mind was otherwise occupied when an unusual noise suddenly
caught my attention. I quickly turned and faced the
monitor to see Adam knocking on the inside of the screen!
'What game can we play?', he queried. I stared at him
in disbelief for several seconds before he shrugged
his shoulders as if to say 'Oh well, please yourself'
and walked off. After snapping out of my momentary daze,
I asked Adam if he would like to play a game. He obliged
and promptly thrashed me at Poker. I think he cheats...
To
make matters worse, he also beat me at Card War (a sort
of glorified Snap) and the anagrams he posed were so
hard to unravel that I gave up in embarrassment. Still,
there's always tomorrow...
Sunday
15th September: Epilogue
As I lie awake on my bed in the cool of the night air
I think to myself, 'They aren't as dumb as I first thought'.
After my rather feeble performance at cards today, Adam
is probably thinking precisely the converse!
Monday
16th September: Session Six
Something terrible happened today and I don't
think I can bring myself to write about it.
Oh,
alright then, if I must. It's quite simple really --
Adam...
...you see he wasn't quite his usual, jovial self this
morning and he...
...well
he did look a little peaky and...
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